Musician Jokes

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.


What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"


What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.


How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.


How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.


How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.


Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.


How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.


Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

Did you hear about the tenor who was so dumb the other tenors noticed?


If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.


Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.


How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo" on the music.

Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started goingimprovising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"


A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"